Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Loving who I am In the moment I am in now

You know the feeling you get when you're looking through Facebook and you happen to come along someone you went to high school with who you didn't particularly like, or people who didn't even know you existed? For me this happens all the time. You find someone and end up stalking their page and a half hour later you find yourself thinking about what it would have been like to be their friend because they look like super sweet people, people who you could talk to, people who you could hang out with. 

To give you a little background I hated high school, I mean really HATED it. I had some good times, and met good people don't  get me wrong. What I'm saying is, if I could go back and change it I totally would. I wouldn't change situations, I would change me. I was so emotionally not there that it ruined my whole experience, I did that to myself. 

I chose to be that person, ya I wasn't the prettiest girl in school, And was in no shape to be a cheerleader, I didn't stick up for myself, which led me into a self inflicted  depression. 

I could have chose not to listen to those who made fun of my weight, spit on me, and talked behind my back. But most importantly I could have chose to be happy, to not judge others that judged me, to say something to the person who spit on me and called me fat. I could have been a better friend to those who did love and care about me in those times where I thought I was alone. 

I got so lost in thinking about everything that was wrong with me and comparing myself to those who I thought had perfect lives that I didn't love and appreciate what I could have had. 

If I could tell my younger self anything, I would tell her to love herself, to take advantage of these fun years, to live every day trying to serve others, and to love all those around her no matter what kind of person they are. 

I said earlier that I would change myself not the situations, and that is because those situations led me to where I am now and I don't know what I would do without my wonderful husband and beautiful kids. They are seriously worth the effort and I mean that in the best possible way. I am a better person because of them. I want to be better and do everything I can to love and teach them all I know and more. 

I hope that if you got anything from this that you love who you are in the moment you are in now. Before you know it another 5,6,10 years will go by and you are still stewing in the past wishing you were this person or that. It's not worth it. I definitely still have a problem with this, but it's something I really want to work on this year; loving who I am in the moment I'm in now. 

Monday, February 2, 2015

Sean's birth story

Ok so I've accepted the fact that I am just horrible at blogging. This is my year people, I'm going to get on top of it, kick everything into gear, health, life, you know the drill. I'm feeling it!! 

So if you didn't already know we're pregnant.
Ok so we were pregnant, I got you didn't I? So this last year has been pretty full of adventures. This pregnancy blindsided me; with Lexi it was easy peasy, Sean's I was sick for almost half of it and the other half I felt so exhausted I didn't really want to do anything. I had that burst of energy during the second trimester but as soon as he popped out my hips started hurting I couldn't really exercise and I was getting stressed trying to catch up with my very active toddlar. 

27 weeks

Swelling weeks before I had him

38 weeks and last picture of me pregnant.  

I from day one of this pregnancy had been preparing for him to come. I started to read my HypnoBirthing books and practice my relaxation breathing. I did everything I could to make our experience the best that it could be. I really planned it out; I had a doula this time and Nick was way more prepared as well. 

 At a little over 20weeks we went in and found out he was a BOY! We were stoked! 
Lexi didn't know what was coming but baby is baby and she loves babies both real and unreal. We started getting her prepared by pointing to mommies belly and telling her that baby brother is in there and she went with it. She loved baby brother from then on. 

The holidays came and went, and January 22nd was the day to look forward to, and had been for 9 months. 
Nick started his 6 week rotation on the 5th of January, he would be 50min away from us and had our only car. Luckily my parents are sorta close to us so it wasn't to far of a drive if something happened. That first week went fast and no baby, and a good thing cause we hadn't had the baby shower yet and didn't have anything for him. The following Monday I had an appointment that my mom took me to and after I went shopping for the things we didn't get at the shower. I was in high gear and wanted everything cleaned and ready for the baby. Little did I know after cleaning and preparing all day Tuesday that I was nesting, I mean I knew I was a little bit but I had no idea he was coming. Tuesday night I felt like I really needed to get to bed, I had finished my spicy dinner, cleaned a little more and went to bed. Wednesday January 14th I woke up at 5 am to a contraction. I thought it might just have been a Braxton hick but I had to go to the bathroom so I got up and it felt like I peed a little and when you're pregnant that happens a lot, no judgment! So I thought really nothing, got back in bed and ten min later I had another contraction. This time I sat up and started searching water breaks and learned that it's not always a "pop" and a gush of water. An hour later I decided to text Nick and he said to call the midwives and ask them what they want to do. After getting off the phone with the midwives I was sure we needed to go in so I texted him to come. While he was on his way, I started to get everything to the door. I was still having contractions every ten min, Lexi was still asleep, and I was pretty relaxed not really worried about anything. Lexi finally woke up so I went to get her and immediately I knew something was wrong because she didn't look good and she looked like she was going to throw up. The whole time before Nick got here she wanted to be held and didn't really want to eat anything. The contractions I could tell were getting a little closer I started breathing through them; Lexi looked so concerned and would hug me. Finally Nick got here, put things in the car, took Lexi to a good friends and headed to the hospital. When we got there the lady must have been confused because she asked us why we were there. I told her I was in labor, and she started asking me all these questions and then took us to a room. She told me to get dressed in that o so beautiful gown and the nurse will be right in. After the nurse got there my contractions were probably 4-5min apart. I asked her if they were going to set up the tub(since I was planning on a water birth) and she said let me ask you these questions. Kenzie finally got there and immediately knew I was in labor and started helping me through the contractions. Still the nurse is asking me questions, still no IV in and no tub. They came back and said they needed to do a test to see if my water broke, which I already knew after the morning of going to the bathroom a trillion times that it had. Once they established that it had my contractions were now 2 min apart and still no IV. Now the nurse was hurrying to put the IV in and I was in the most uncomfortable position ever, so finally I was able to move and get into what I felt was the perfect position to be in to bring our baby boy to this world. 

Kenzie did an amazing job in getting me in this position and quickly getting the perfect music on and then to top it off a great essential oil that was absolutely amazing. Kenzie did a great job in getting Nick and my mom involved and helping me through each surge. The whole time I felt surrounded by amazing people. 
After what didn't seem like very long I was pushing on my own, no one told me to push and count I was just doing it, I felt amazing and with each push I could feel my baby coming and after about 30min of pushing,maybe, Sean came into our lives 9lbs and 21inces long.  We got to the hospital at 9:30am and he came at 11:51am. It happened so fast. No I didn't get the water birth I wanted but I wouldn't change our experience for anything. That was more perfect in my eyes than anything I ever expected. With Lexi I didn't have the birth I wanted and that is ok, but if I could pick between the two births I would choose Sean's birth over and over. 

He is so perfect, I cannot imagine life without him. I cannot believe how much I love him, I didn't think I could love him as much as I love Lexi but motherly love is real and it definitely spreads. I love my kids so much and I love Nick even more watching him hold them and take care of them. I am so grateful and blessed to have them in my life. 

His hair and complextion are different than Lexi's, Lexi had more blonde hair and her skin was more fair. 

Big sister meeting brother for the first time, she wasn't sure what to think. 

Such a fun photo shoot and such a sweet moment captured. Lexi seriously loves him, she always wants to give him kisses and help me change him. 

How could you get angry after being woken up at 3 in the morning to this sweet face? 

Left-Lexi right-Sean similar but different at the same time. 
My two favorite men! 

Ugh so cute!!! 

Thank you for reading if you got all the way through this long post.